“The Beauty of Imperfection: A Personal Journey of Self-Acceptance” Revised Essay: “The Beauty of Imperfection: A Personal Journey of Self-Acceptance” I will never forget the day I shaved my head. It was

i need this essay to be revised for my final portfolio for the class using the feedback i recieved from my proffessor which is all the way at the bottom of the instructions.
this is the essay rubric 
1. Recount a specific incident
2. You may choose to include background information, but the essay should focus on a short
amount of time during which you learned something [don’t tell us everything; only what is
relevant]
3. SHOW more, TELL less. Help the reader experience the events.
4. Focus on details that are necessary and real (some creativity may be included, but the essay
must be a true, personal story; be selective with details]
5. Include dialogue where possible and beneficial
6. THIS IS NOT A SHORT STORY: THIS IS A NARRATIVE ESSAY. Follow standard essay guidelines such
as thesis or controlling idea [meaning]; topic sentences; organization and transitions;
effective/unified paragraphs; introduction and conclusion [see BR pgs 73-74]
7. MLA essay format is a must [see Course Contents and RW pg 35 & BR pg 487-491] 8. Your writing must be free of grammatical errors.
Topics: These are broad topics. You will need to narrow your focus so that it is workable for you.
Option A:
At one point in your life, you have probably learned something about yourself. Choose a brief, yet memorable, incident in which you experienced a turning point and reveal how you grew or changed as a result of it.
this is the essay feedback i recieved from my proffessor
this is a very meaningful essay with great descriptive writing in it, as well as important insights; pls see below for revision suggestions
good intro and thesis
body par 1 needs a TS that connects it to the thesis
noticed that TSs are missing throughout andthat your essay reads more like a story than a thesis-centered discussion
see “I will never forget” paragraph: is all this detail neccesary to supporting your thesis? the reader loses sight of the paperss purpose
much of the thesis-reevant info seems to be in the “Being bald” par
there is repetition in some places here– read through carefully and revise for this
there is a lot of body info  in the conclusion; it should just be wrapping things up